My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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