I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
