I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She needs sedatives and a leash
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
