peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
