If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
