I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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