Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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