My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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