HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
