I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
