U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
