Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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