I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
