The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish you could order shots online.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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