____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
