In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
did you just send me my own nude
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
