i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
