found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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