my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Pants are for mortals
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
