My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
