Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
