Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
