I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
