you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
