i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
