Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
