You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
