omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
