Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
