Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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