i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
