he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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