I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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