Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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