Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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