It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
