bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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