Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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