No period for spring break; use this wisely.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
