Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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