so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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