Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
