I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
