I looked at my own cervix.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
