I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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