My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
