I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
