First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
please come you make the beer taste better
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
