I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
