My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
