She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
